sweet

i am appreciative of recent events in my life.. its really satisfying or rather fulfilling .... it has been months since i last understand what it means to be free ... to me even sit and stare is larger than life... the last few days in camp.. i had totally enjoyed it.. i can only say i felt alive..!

i felt my presence among all my frens in alpha n bravo esp... guess... after all... wk n hs isnt really impt to me.. the new me is able to see further n able to cross beyond the boundary i used to imagine...its only now that i realise that there such boundary doesnt exist.. even if it does... i shldnt be bothered by it... just like what ji mei had always pointed out.. "dun always think too highly of someone whom used to be close to u... you can be independent of them.. let it go and you will see beyond the horizon.".

shocked...

things werent goin as smoothly as i thought it is going to be.. what i had been doing has resulted in some undesirable side effects... but hoped everything will be fine once again when i find my way out this dazzling , confusing maze mist or what-so-ever..

i started all this for these simple reasons (ranked by position)

1* confidence
2* physique/ look
3* attention
4* to feel healthy

yes.. so shallow right! thats what u will say.. but to me i guess this is what i am lacking in to become a more successful person.. the keyword that is always absent... CONFIDENCE ...

of cause at the some time... without monitoring i sidetracked... so much so that i cant recognise myself anymore... so mr ... please remember you are doing all this to in the name of good and positive reasons.. i understand its distracting.. but please stay focus !!

and lastly a gentle reminder... you will eventually taste your fruit of labour if you press on.. dun give up!

the Mirror

Sometimes i really wonder why the reflection in that mirror i am looking into matter to me so much... my honest and direct deduction ... for the sake to fulfill my thirst for perfection cause i am a Scorpio...? haha excuses ... seriously i am not sure too... but one thing i know for sure... during situations where i am aware i am not as attractive (as according to my standard) when compared to my peers.. i will feel depress.. Haiz......

Thats the reason why i decided to pursue the image i hoped to achieve... i started doing regular workouts whenever i have the time... at that juncture when such a decision is made.. i sudden felt something is not quite right... MY LIFE IS FINALLY MOVING ON!!! it has for abt 10 mnths, since i am able to make new plans to address to this on-going issue... and i guess this time round the right solution is obviously being carried out... quite happy indeed on just so much i managed to achieve with a short timespan of 3 months... of cos i am going to work harder in order to better prepare myself for my future ... i know i will not lose out..

Anyway its time to slp lor... tml still need to wake up early to go TK.. night!!

Back dating

Hmmm... seriously theres far too much things in hand that i need to comment about... but i shall cover two issues every update...

As for today.. i learned something.. no i must correct myself.. its not a lesson just learned but rather this incident reinforces my urge and motivation to better myself as an english speaker... i have to become a more proficient speaker when 1st language is concerned...

it goes like this... a exhausting morning to began with due to ippt... had a 2.4 min run... i knew that everyone was anticipating a gold reward from me.. but i am aware that my limits wouldnt allow things to go smoothly.. got 5 pts for all the stations... and then comes the most critical station of all the 2.4km run.. sadly even with OHht's pacing and more accurately mdmtees cheering... i only managed to achieve a itiming of 10 flat mins... thats 16 sec from gold... honestly i m quite surprised and glad that after so long of no-training-army-days.. my gold is not very far from sight... speaking of the truth... if mdmtee had been the one to push me for 2.4.. i will definitely make it... she is person whom i respect most...

when we get to book out ard noon ... it became slightly more interesting... i took ken's car from camp all the way to kallang sports centre.. it was a weird experience for me since both me and the new officers since we dont know each other well...the only person i knew is ken... we didnt talk much to one another(me n the other officers whom i dont know)... next came the most exciting event of the day.. dragon boating!!...though it was a bit xiong.. it was never the less fun!! i had always thought that its just a simple boring and easy sports... after with i follow ken's car back to his awesome house... can see that he is dirt rich.. lol... haha.. anyway yes another awkward session with the new officers... seriously they are nice but just that not as good as darel or edwin... awkwardness arises due to blurred boundary... how much am i allowed to cross over.. i guess at the end of the day.. we all are just trying to make friends... it doesnt whether what rank we hold as long as we are peers ... and because of this i questioned myself once again.. y gave up the option of becoming someone better in position.. but i couldnt get an answer only till later part of the day...


Eventually all of us had arrived at sakura safra tamp as the programs for the day progress.. it was a wonderful meal.. the part that i have to highlight is from the ride home in mdmtee's car.. only me and terry the new officer had taken her car.. both of them were having a chat so long and intellectual that i think i can never sustain... fluent, engaging, and connecting and even seems enjoyable.. y .. y wasnt i granted this ability or skill to be able to express myself with ease... and thats y i decided that i must improve myself esp in these areas... talk confidently... present myself with pride and charisma.. that is only mean i see so far that could help me excel in my life... to fulfill to thirst for new achievements.. during the talk i was wondering y was i always left out of th conversation.... is it because the other person is an officer ... thats y he must outshine me? or just that it is because that she she simply prefers him over us.. and here came the ans for the earlier part of the day too.. its just a matter of choice of level of commitment ... we are made to do this... thus for some its they will put in their best while others will take it easy...it all depends on how much one enjoys it... and hence a matter of choice.. i know i can never bring myself to enjoy it.. haha... since thats the case.. we are indifferent... one who carries that title will have to bare more expectations from us... and thats his choice..it doesnt judge how good a person one is.. as it merely indicates their level of expectations form others in the organisation and i know mdmtee understands that.. of cause i will never deny the development the the school had bring about in them during the trainings...

its jus a shack and enjoyable day...

Fresh is the new world

Yes.. this shall be my new reflection spacex... or RSX for short.. think its time that something has to be done in order to keep track what i have learn, things i m appreciative of, or things i have to achieve in my remaining 10 months of NSF life...

This will be the best platform to communicate with myself... ok maybe it might sound irony since i shlould know myself best and yet still the need for a medium just to communicate to myself..? as far as i know ...the talking-to-mirror or chatting-with-air technique doesnt work for me at all... they only allow me to put processes through my RAM and not store the final products in my HARD DRIVES ... this is really driving me nuts since it seems to me that i am just a useless computer...

Its especially this few weeks that such an initiative keep popping up in my mind that it has to be done asap.. thats what my life is lacking of... lacks the capacity to store the essentials... this just voice down to one reason ... i am an empty shell..

F.R.E.S.H

Start afresh with this new space... a new hope to find myself back... back to where i left off a year ago... and go with the direction where my destination lies...

HERE I COME...